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A New York Post report released last summer found that 60 percent of Brown students aren’t gay, thank god.
“According to our survey of Brown students, 60 percent are, in fact, heterosexual,” the report detailed. “Ultimately, after a critical analysis of the collected data, we concluded that over half of the student body is straight, hell yeah.”
According to the report, the remaining 40 percent of students are unfortunately big homos. The report went on to say that the percentage of blessedly straight students has decreased since 2010, when 86 percent of undergrads didn’t identify with any of that gay shit.
“Though the number has decreased in the last decade, our findings still indicate that there are more heteros than homosexuals today on Brown’s campus, phew,” the report said. “Additionally, national levels of heterosexual orientation are much higher than those on Brown’s campus, with 92.8 percent of American adults identifying as straight, praise the lord.”
At press time, the report concluded that those who identify as LGBTQ+ are probably dumb virgins, haha.
