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The Brown Noser

Newly Declassified JFK Assassination Documents Reveal Driving President Around In Open-Top Car Is Stupid Idea

Published Friday, December 1st, 2017

After their release last month, newly declassified files on former president John F. Kennedy’s 1963 assassination reveal that driving the President in an open-top car is a stupid idea. The papers summarize an internal FBI investigation that came to this conclusion.

“It is our assessment that whoever decided to drive the President through Dallas in a convertible was a next-level dumbass,” concluded an FBI release after a year of intense investigation into the matter. “We have been unable to determine why anybody would think that this was a good idea. They were in Texas of all places. What did they think would happen?”

Historians who analyzed the documents report that the FBI investigation does absolutely nothing to clear up the uncertainty surrounding JFK’s untimely death. Rather, the investigative team focused mainly on how crazy it is that the president would ever be driven around out in the open like that.

“To prevent future assassinations, we recommend just putting the windows up when the President is in the car,” the FBI investigation advised, adding that it is good that convertible motorcades have been phased out and replaced by “those big armored cars." They added that the President should buckle his seatbelt too.

“Motives of the shooter and second shooter hypotheses aside, we consider this road-safety matter solved.”

The declassified files went on to advise the Secret Service to not allow a president watch a play in an unguarded balcony.

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