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The Brown Noser

No One Can Resist A Man In Uniform, Safewalker Reports

Published Friday, October 25th, 2019

Confidently donning his neon yellow vest, local safewalker Sam Rodriguez reported that no one can resist a man in uniform.

“Now there’s a sharp-dressing gentleman,” Rodriguez said, casually flexing under the bright tarp he wore over his clothes to stand out in the dark. “The uniform takes things up a notch, for sure. I get looks. Turn heads. The ladies love me. Everyone wants me to walk them home.”

“From afar, you might think I’m just any old crossing guard,” Rodriguez continued, admiring the reflective silver strips running down his vest. “But when they see the ‘Safewalk’ title emblazoned across my back, boy, that’s when they all start fawning over me. Happens every time.”

“Of course, I don’t do it for the attention,” Rodriguez added, grinning widely while repeatedly saying ‘Hi, would you like a safewalk?’ to himself in the mirror. “No, sir. I’m just doing my duty.”

At press time, Rodriguez insisted that speaking into a walkie talkie on the job added a whole new air of mystery and intrigue to his persona.

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