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After finally purchasing a plane ticket home for the holidays, President Obama expressed dread at the inevitable prospect of having to repeatedly defend his employment situation to relatives over the Christmas holiday.
“I just know it’s not gonna sound like a real job when I describe it to them,” said Obama, who is decidedly not looking forward to making the trip back home to celebrate Christmas with his family this year. "What exactly is it that I do, Grandpa Dale? Oh, you know, sign bills into law, oversee the executive branch, order drone strikes on remote villages, stuff like that.”
“I just know they’re not gonna be impressed,” he continued. "They’re not gonna approve of it, and they’re just gonna stare at me like, ‘What are you doing with your life? Why don’t you have a real career?’”
Obama, who claims that he finally feels good about where he is in life and the decisions he’s made, is not sure that he could handle his relatives’ disapproval of his latest job.
“I can hear Aunt Catherine already,” said Obama, shaking his head. “‘Is that even a real job, Barry? That job they have you doing, are they really paying you for that?’ Yes, Auntie, that’s my job. Jesus Christ, I’m not five years old anymore. Just let me live my life.”
“And then of course Uncle Joe will have to weigh in,” the president continued. “‘Hey, Barry, why can’t you get a real job? You know, like your cousin Jessica. Jessica’s doing this, Jessica’s doing that, Jessica’s perfect and has her whole fucking life all neatly charted out like some sort of goddamn timeline for success.’”
Obama then sighed, reportedly dreading more than ever the prospect of failing to measure up to his relatives’ high expectations. “After a while I just can’t take it anymore, you know?” said the president. “It’s like they’re judging my life based on this one small thing: my job. Like it defines me in some pivotal way. It’s suffocating is what it is.”
“Maybe I won’t go this year," he added. "Maybe I’ll just do Christmas by myself here in D.C.”
Despite his reservations, Obama admitted that he was still planning on going home for the holidays. “I guess it might not be all bad,” said the president. “I was sort of looking forward to sleeping in my childhood room. Seeing Cousin Perry and Aunt Joan. Having some home-cooked meals.”
“And part of me knows that at the end of the day, my family loves and supports me," continued Obama. "Even if they don’t approve of me working part-time as commander-in-chief of the most powerful military in the world.”
