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President Barack Obama has reportedly grounded his daughter, Malia, for two weeks after he discovered a destroyed Air Force One on the White House lawn. “God damn it,” Obama said while on hold with AAA. “I told her that I didn’t want her piloting that thing after 9 p.m., but she didn’t listen. Now I have this fiery wreck on my hands. There’s shrapnel from here to the Pentagon for Christ’s sake! I can’t believe it. She’s going to have to pay for this out of her own pocket, y’know.” As of press time, Obama was making Malia walk door-to-door and apologize for waking up the neighbors.
