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After several nights of waking up disoriented and groggy, President Barack Obama told White House staffers on Friday that he keeps having a dream in which he pardons himself. “I walk up to the podium and I tell myself that I didn’t do anything wrong, and that I deserve to live a normal, happy life free from allegations of ruining the economy and turning the United States into a socialist nation,” said Obama about the recurring dream in which he grants himself clemency for his mismanagement of the launch of HealthCare.gov, lack of progress on immigration reform, and general failure to live up to the expectations of the American people. “Then I always assure myself that I was wrongly accused of leading the United States into its darkest chapter in history, and I am granting myself mercy for that. I tell myself that I am now free to live my life the way I did before I was elected.” The president went on to say that the dream usually ends with him issuing himself an executive order to just take the night off and spend time with his family.
