At a press conference earlier today, President Barack Obama announced that after years of fighting, the United States must ramp up its efforts in the War on Pakistani Grandmothers.
Obama called the decision to escalate the war “one of the most difficult” of his presidency. However, he insisted that the world would be a “much safer place with the U.S. actively working to target and eliminate Pakistani grandmothers."
Obama reflected upon the mistakes made in the nearly decade-old war. “When I first became president, the War on Pakistani Grandmothers was floundering," said the president. "We were distracted by a foolish, misguided War on Iraqi Grandmothers. With that behind us, our military can now focus its efforts on the greatest threat to freedom and democracy around the world: Pakistani grandmothers.”
According to the president, the threat that Pakistani grandmothers pose is growing. “The CIA has informed me that, not only are there grandmother strongholds throughout the Middle East, but there are cells of Pakistani Grandmothers on our own soil,” the president reported. “We will not stop until these elderly Pakistani women, many of them in their 70s and 80s, have been sought out and brought to justice.”
Some have criticized the war on Pakistani grandmothers as an impossible and seemingly endless military conflict. In an attempt to counter these charges, Obama addressed them head on. “Naysayers will claim that it is not possible to eliminate every elderly Pakistani woman," said Obama. "That is not the goal of this operation. Our goal is to destroy the global Pakistani grandmother network that threatens U.S. security by enabling the easy exchange of the best Basmati recipes.”
Asked about reports of civilian casualties, Obama expressed a thoughtful concern. “In all conflicts, there are casualties of war, and this is a deeply troubling and regrettable reality," said the president. "With this danger in mind, we have gone to great lengths to increase the accuracy with which our armed forces attack their targets. I have full faith in our ability to ensure that the only victims of our military strikes are verified Pakistani grandmothers, or known Pakistani grandmother strongholds such as Pakistani hospitals and schools.”
According to the president, building a more free and peaceful global community is far from finished. “The threat that our enemies pose to our way of life and the ideals we value as Americans is still very real," said the president in his closing remarks. "We can shoot missiles at grandmothers all day, but as long as evil still lurks in the hearts of women, children and the elderly, we will never be completely safe from acts of terror.”