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After his younger brother confided in him that he had no clue when it came to the opposite sex, 16-year-old Reese Cochrane sat him down and sweetly explained how to talk at girls. Drawing from his own experience with not listening to girls, Cochrane outlined how to assertively approach an uninterested female and initiate a patronizing, one-way conversation that makes her feel inferior.
“It’s easy,” said Cochrane, who has talked over a steady girlfriend for 4 months. “Just be yourself. Talk about just yourself.”
Tousling his brother’s hair, Cochrane explained that confidence is key and that girls are attracted to guys who are comfortable delivering long-winded monologues about music, TV, or sports with complete disregard for how girls might feel about those topics.
“Keep the conversation casual and nonreciprocal,” said Cochrane, his little brother hanging on his every word. “It’s not like you’re getting married or anything, so don’t worry about sounding stupid. Just keep talking, and eventually she’ll go out with you.”
Cochrane proceeded to show his brother a bunch of pictures of girls he’s hooked up with on his phone, explaining that he knows what he’s talking about when he says that girls love it when a guy compliments them on something they care about—their clothes, chick flicks—and immediately interrupts them when they try to respond.
“Make it clear nothing they say will impress you,” said Cochrane, advising that his little brother should vaguely listen to what girls have to say but ultimately dismiss their contributions as naïve or shortsighted. “Chicks are into that.”
Cochrane added, “But if she isn’t into you, don’t sweat it. Maybe she’s a lesbian. Maybe she’s weird and wants you to acknowledge her humanity. Maybe she’s just a bitch.”
At press time, Cochrane showed his brother how to find porn online.
