Partly Cloudy, 64°
Dan Maloney ’15 spent over twelve minutes vigorously rubbing what he believed was Jessica Warden’s ’15 clitoris during a heavy-petting and make-out session late Monday night following their brief introduction that morning at the Applied Math open house.
“From what girls say and sex-ed class and everything, I always thought it would feel better than that,” said Warden, her outward facing bellybutton still raw. “But I guess everyone’s body responds differently to that kind of thing.”
“I’ve learned a few tricks in my time, you know, like clockwise-clockwise-counterclockwise, or side-to-side then up-and-down,” said Maloney, who fingered the healed-over nub of Warden’s cut fetal feeding tube for close to a quarter of an hour. “I think she was really into it.”
“How could she not be?” he added.
