Friday, October 23, 2020
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The Brown Noser

POINT: Let’s Think Of It As A Staycation! by Your Mom. COUNTERPOINT: We're All Going To Fucking Die by Your Mom

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

I know that being stuck indoors is a bit of a bummeroo, but c’mon gang, it’s not so bad!

Point: Let’s Think Of It As A Staycation!
By Your Mom

Maybe there’s a silver lining to this whole kerfuffle. When was the last time we all got to spend this much time together? Ever since you kids went away to school, we haven’t had enough good ol’ family time! Your father and I have been working so hard, too, we hardly spend any time together anymore. Maybe this silly virus is a blessing in disguise! Let’s take some wacky photos!

Sure, we could see this whole ordeal as a drag, or we could make it fun! Ooh, I know! Let’s have a fashion show! Oh wait, I have a better idea. Honey, grab that broom and hold it up sideways. That’s right, we’re playing family limbo! I’ve already got a plastic hula skirt!

Oooh! We should do a spirit week! Monday will be pajama day, Tuesday will be crazy hair day, and Wednesday we’ll all dress up like one of the cousins! LOL right? See, we’re having fun!

Let’s think of it as a staycation! Who’s up for Scrabble?!

Counterpoint: We’re All Going To Fucking Die.
By Your Mom

Disregard everything I just said and haul ass to the fucking basement. We’re having a family meeting about sanitation rules and you all better stay six goddamn feet away from me. Do I look like I’m joking?

We’re in the middle of a fucking pandemic, here, do you know what that means? Get it through your thick skulls and put on some gloves. God, what the hell was I thinking? Fuck Scrabble! Limbo can go right to hell! There’s no time for games here. I’ll tell you what today’s activity is: putting on a hazmat suit and fighting an old woman in Trader Joe’s for a can of garbanzo beans.

No, we’re not taking wacky photos, we’re taking precaution. If I see any of you fuckers so much as graze a fingertip on your face, you’ll be quarantined in the crawl space for a month.

What, you think I’m overreacting? You still want to play Scrabble? Well I got a great word for you, PNEUMONIA, 13 points. Now, will one of you rub some Purell on that bottle of Gin? Mommy needs a drink.

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