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In answer to the concerns of those close to him, self-identified party-pooper Jason Turner asserts that he only poops in social situations. Without fail, the Sophomore Biology concentrator can be counted on to excuse himself to the restroom whenever out with people, witnesses reporting that he is sometimes gone for upwards of fifteen minutes. Everyone knows what he’s up to in there.
“I get it— it’s bad for me,” says Turner, “But I can quit any time I want to.” Unfortunately, Turner’s case is indicative of a dangerous new trend, a growing number of college-aged Americans who think it excusable to discretely defecate while attending such gatherings as house-parties, informal get-togethers, pet symposia, and book-signings—among others.
Many experts feel that the trend’s growing prevalence is attributable to young people’s desire to look “cool”. What’s more, pooping in conjunction with day-to-day activities such as driving or eating meals greatly increases the likelihood of the vice’s becoming a habit. Social situations—with all the associated pressure to smoke, drink, and poop alongside peers—make teenagers easy targets of this sort of mutual conditioning. Turner’s friends say that he can hardly enter a home or restaurant anymore without immediately excusing himself. If unable to go to the restroom, Turner becomes sullen, withdrawn, and pale. “More than anything, we just want our Jason back,” said Charles Carson, longtime friend.
When asked if he ever goes a day without pooping, Turner replied “I don’t know—sometimes maybe.”
