University President Christina Paxson recently announced that she is totally open to hearing students with complaints, so long as they stand on this giant trap door.

“Come right on in!” Paxson said, grinning next to a giant lever. “I’m wholeheartedly devoted to ensuring students feel seen, heard, and listened to, and I think the best place for them to do that is right on this big red X—yes, just right there, now hold still.”

“I want these students to know that the University has long-established mechanisms to formally make suggestions and complaints,” Paxson added, clasping the lever for the long-established mechanism that sends those pesky students down to the chasm of doom. “And could you stand a little to your left? I can’t hear your worthy complaints.”

“I highly value the importance of engaging in dialogue across differences,” said Paxson as she spoke to a student sitting in a spring-loaded chair. “Come on, don’t be shy, let’s hear what you have to say! I want you to know that this is a safe space for you to share your honest concerns.”

At press time, Members of the Corporation shared how moved they were by the conviction of activists standing underneath a giant dangling anvil.

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