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The Brown Noser

Paxson Emphasizes Healthy Fall 2020 Task Force Never Said No Takebacks

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

In a community email this morning scaling back plans to resume in-person learning in the fall, President Christina Paxson repeatedly stressed the fact that the Healthy Fall 2020 Task Force never said no takebacks in its reopening plan.

"I'm truly sorry to be writing this letter," Paxson wrote, announcing the difficult decision to switch to a phased reopening. "But when I announced in July our plans for a three-semester model, I never once said 'no takebacks.' Didn't notice that, didja guys? Somebody definitely should've seen this coming. You snooze you lose, dummies!"

Paxson's email also emphasized that all members of the Healthy Fall 2020 Task Force secretly crossed their fingers behind their backs while agreeing to the reopening plan.

"I understand that a delay in reopening of even a few weeks is difficult for many students," Paxson continued, apologizing for the late-stage change in plans. "But it's important to note that nobody ever even asked me to pinky swear about this. Seriously, this one's on you guys. We totally gotcha! I wish I could see the looks on your faces right now. You all just got Pax'd!"

Concluding her email, Paxson insisted that it was actually opposite day when she first announced the plan to reopen campus.

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