Reports indicate local platonic male friend Warren Laidlaw has been waiting for a long time to tell you something really, really important.

“Hey, can we talk? ” asked Laidlaw, who is like a brother to you. “So, uh, I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I know we’ve been friends for a really long time."

“And sometimes in life you just feel things, deep in your heart, these things that you know are true—and sometimes it’s risky to say how you really feel—and I’ve known you for so long and I feel like I really know you, like I can tell you anything,” continued Laidlaw, looking deep into your eyes in a platonic way. "So I couldn’t just keep this to myself, and anyway, I think you might even feel the same way, I don’t know, but I just need to tell you this, and get it off my chest.”

“I have a crush on someone,” Laidlaw said, platonically inching closer to you while sitting on your bed — the place he insisted he tell you the really important thing. “And I think you know them very, very well…”

At press time, Laidlaw was “not mad or anything.”

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