President Donald Trump stepped down from office this Wednesday following a brutal tweet from your aunt. “In light of the recent tweet from @BlueWaveMartha67 calling me, among other things, ‘mango Mussolini’ and ‘tiny hands,’ I have decided to resign from the presidency of the United States,” a visibly shaken Trump announced to a fully packed press room, reading from a prepared statement. “The incisive, devastating, and completely original points made in @BlueWaveMartha67’s tweet left me no choice but to step down from the presidency and from public life in general.” At press time, your aunt was drafting a tweet that will send the Koch brothers into bankruptcy.

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