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The Brown Noser

Priceless Portrait Destroyed By Bad Guy Who Wants To Use The Eyes As Peek Holes

Published Friday, November 4th, 2016

Gingerly cutting the eyes out of a beautiful oil portrait, local bad guy Doctor Blood justified his actions by explaining that he plans on using the holes to peek through. “I live in a very spooky and sinister house. I plan on hanging this portrait on the wall in my living room and using these little peek holes I made to secretly observe whoever is in there.”

Disregarding the fact that the portrait was painted by Titian and undoubtedly worth millions of dollars, Doctor Blood proceeded to jam his finger through the peek holes to make sure they were big enough for him to see through. “If I’m being totally candid, I used to do a lot of my peeking through this big dusty old suit of armor that I keep at the top of my giant spiral staircase. Unfortunately I have gained a little bit of weight in recent years and I don’t fit in there anymore, which is why I need the peek hole portrait,” explained Doctor Blood as he pulled a candle mounted to a wall that opened a secret room behind a bookcase.

“One of the most annoying parts of poking peek holes into the eyes of a painting is that you need to make little fake eyes to slide in when you’re not looking. Otherwise it just looks like a portrait with holes in it. Talk about a waste of a Saturday,” stated Blood as he threw darts at a picture of the local teens who always foil his complicated plots. “It’s a process, but how else are you going to spy on detectives looking for clues in your living room?”

At press time Doctor Blood was seen laughing during a rainstorm as lightning crackled all around him.

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