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The Brown Noser

Professor Returns From Sabbatical Jacked

Published Friday, March 11th, 2016

After taking a semester off from teaching, Professor Kevin Mercer returned to the classroom absolutely ripped, students report. Mercer, a tenured faculty member in the History department, ostensibly spent his leave doing research for his upcoming book, but from the looks of it he got in substantial gym time as well.

“[Mercer] is my advisor, so I’m certainly happy to have him back,” said Elisa Owens, a student who has taken multiple classes with Mercer—before he got completely cut that is. “It appears that the break was really good for him. It sounds like he had the chance to spend quality time with his family and read a lot. Also, he got big, but he hasn’t mentioned that.”

On break, Mercer spent most of his days sitting at his desk. However, before he started any work, he had to have gotten in an hour or two at the weight rack.

“It was great to get some time off from teaching,” Mercer said, his shirt buttons on the verge of popping. “Teaching is definitely my true passion, but it’s still helpful to get some perspective every once in a while. I like approaching my lectures with a fresh eye.”

According to students, along with his physical development, Mercer’s whole attitude has changed as well. Their professor, who was by all accounts a soft-spoken and unassuming person, has taken to rolling up his sleeves above his biceps and strutting about with a confident demeanor that could only belong to a middle-aged man who, for the first time in his life, has truly come into his own.

Colleagues in the History department seem pleased, if not slightly perplexed, by Mercer’s return.

“It’s good to have Kevin around again,” said Professor Marsha Gilbert. “However, he has definitely changed. He doesn’t say a thing about it when you talk to him, but he’s athletic now. The sabbatical definitely did him some good.”

“The American Revolution was fought by the poor for the rich,” Mercer said to a room full of students distracted by his super-defined chest muscles. “The founding fathers were not the paragons of virtue we make them out to be. They were scumbags.”

At press time, Mercer could be seen in the University gym trying to get even more shredded, as if that were even possible.

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