While attempting to receive an excused absence for Friday’s class, sources reported that Professor Josh Hamilton — who requires a dean’s note — would honestly rather see you die than help you out.

“Unfortunately, you’ll need a dean’s note to have an excused absence in my class, “ said Hamilton, grinning while watching your body slowly corrode from illness. “While this could be inconvenient, I hope you understand this is standard practice in my class.”

“If I allowed for excuses whenever then everyone would be requesting absences,” added Hamilton, cackling at the deterioration of your physical and mental well-being. “These procedures are simply in place to encourage student attendance in lectures.”

“Moving forward, I hope you’ll be able to participate more regularly in class,” said Hamilton, smiling at your puny body’s futile attempt to fight off this infection. “I hope to see you in Monday’s lecture.”

At press time, Hamilton was seen canceling Monday’s lecture last minute due to his mild cough.

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