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According to reports from Temple Beth-El in Cranston, local punk and Rabbi Ari Goldberg really only likes God’s early stuff.
“Everybody knows God did His best work in the 2000s BC,” said Goldberg, explaining his decided preference for God’s earlier material. “I mean, Sodom and Gomorrah? Abraham and Isaac? Talk about raw energy. That’s when God was really God! None of that ‘Sermon on the Mount’ bullshit.”
“Exodus is a classic. Deuteronomy is a classic. And the deep cuts? Esther? Hello? Honestly, He doesn’t have a single bad thing from that period,” Goldberg continued. “And it goes without saying that His collaboration with Moses is one of the greatest things to come out of ancient Judea.”
“He definitely started to lose me after the whole Jesus thing,” Goldberg said, expressing his dislike for God’s new-age phase. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a God fan through and through. But I was gone by the time He was doing that water-into-wine stuff. I couldn’t watch Him pander to the audience like that.”
At press time, Goldberg also reported that he once saw God live.
