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The Brown Noser

Quarterback Begrudgingly Thanks God After Tie Game

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

Giving a press conference after a come-from-behind tie game against the Oakland Raiders, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Carson Palmer reluctantly expressed his thanks to God.

“It was due to the grace of God that I was able to guide my team to a draw, even though a win would have gotten us into the playoffs,” said Palmer, acknowledging that the big guy could have made the weather just a tad warmer. “It’s a little easier on the joints, you know? But a tie is fine. Totally fine.”

The Cardinals were down by three points in overtime, only to have receiver Stevie Johnson drop a pass in the end zone. “I mean, it was super cool that God then allowed [kicker] Chandler [Catanzaro] to nail that field goal at the end to tie it up, but man, we really could have used that catch by Stevie,” Palmer continued, adding that his 19-36 day is really nothing to complain about, but it’s not like God couldn’t have slipped an extra touchdown in there if He’d really wanted. “There’s only one reason that I’m able to stand here today under that big scoreboard that reads 24-24, and that’s our Lord. As long as I have my faith, I know God’s up there, allowing me and my teammates to come so, so close to reaching our full potential.”

“God must be a Cardinals fan! Or at least, He likes the Cards and the Raiders equally,” Palmer finished, giving the cross on his necklace a perfunctory peck before dropping it back under his shirt.

At press time, the Arizona offensive line was getting back to drills so that they could continue to prevent the other team from tackling the shit out of Palmer next week.

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