Tuesday, August 4, 2020
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The Brown Noser

REPORT: Campus Probably Full Of Tumbleweeds Now

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

According to reports from the thousands of students who fled Brown last month, there’s a solid chance that the campus is full of tumbleweeds now. “It’s sort of unclear what’s going on back at Brown, but one thing’s basically for sure: an immense amount of tumbleweeds are drifting about, carried only by gusts of howling wind,” the report stated, emphasizing that these tumbleweeds are likely accompanied by severe dust storms, creepy lizards who skitter out of your path as you walk, and ear-splitting creaking noises emitted from every door on campus. “An empty campus like that is probably pretty spooky right about now, and the tumbleweeds must just make it that much worse.” At press time, vultures were probably starting to circle campus too.

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