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With Election Day fast approaching, Green Party activist and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader has his staff working around the clock to figure out if there is any possible way for him to completely fuck everything up.
“I know I’m not running this time, so things are maybe different,” said Nader this week to members of his staff. “But if there’s any way I could kamikaze this thing I’d definitely be interested in doing that.”
Nader achieved significant notoriety during the 2000 presidential election, during which, many believe, his decision to remain in the race as a third party candidate took critical votes from Al Gore and culminated in the election of President George W. Bush.
“Not to overshadow the awesome fucking disaster that we unleashed upon the American people back in 2000,” said Nader, “but I mean this would be like so much worse.”
He added, “Did you just get chills? I definitely just got chills.”
“Most politicians just care about winning elections and glad-handing lobbyists,” said Alan Debney, recent Oberlin graduate and Nader staff member. “But Ralph could care less about winning. He really just wants to punk the shit out of America. You have to respect that.”
During a strategizing session with his staff, Nader emphasized his role in the upcoming election. “America’s depending on us to stand up to the oppressive machinations of our hegemonic two-party system,” said Nader. “I propose we do this by maybe sending out a mass email that says ‘ELECTIONS CANCELLED!’ or even just running a Green Party candidate. Is Jill Stein available? She is? Oh, great, let’s go with that.”
Despite some staff members’ concerns over whether Jill Stein would be able to take enough votes from President Obama, Nader remained confident that the plan was indeed sound.
“Ultimately," said Nader, "if I can’t fuck up the election, the American people almost certainly will. Never underestimate the power of the American people.”
