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The Brown Noser

Report: Average Businessman Angrily Sweeps Papers Off Desk Six Times Per Day

Published Tuesday, October 6th, 2015

A new report released by the Bureau of Labor Statistics found that the average American businessman angrily sweeps papers off of his desk six times a day.

“60 percent of these massive displays of frustration occur after finding out that the big merger has gone sour,” said Bureau Commissioner Erica Groshen. “Papers go flying everywhere, sending an average of 400,000 mild-mannered assistants scurrying from the office annually.”

Three out of four outbursts are preceded by a bellowed “Goddammit!” that echoes ominously throughout the halls of the firm, while the other 25 percent follow a clipped intercom exchange with the secretary instructing her to “hold my calls.”

“On a particularly rough day, the typical businessman would find that the popsicle stick birdhouse his daughter gave him last Father’s Day had been tragically destroyed in the outburst,” Groshen said. “Our research has found that 35 percent of businessmen would then cradle the broken object tenderly as they ask themselves quietly where it all went wrong.”

At press time, half a million panting businessmen were taking deep, cleansing breaths while adjusting their ties and dialing Karen to tell her they’d be late for dinner.

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