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The Brown Noser

Report: Baby Hates Being Waved At

Published Friday, September 13th, 2019

A team of pediatric specialists at the Roger Williams Medical Center have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, area baby Oliver Welbourn hates being waved at. “We ran Oliver through a series of psychological tests that conclusively proved that he absolutely loathes any sort of wave or other friendly gesture aimed in his direction,” lead researcher Miriam McCallister reported, adding that even a wave accompanied by a silly face is detestable to the 6-month-old infant. “It’s a common misconception that Oliver enjoys the occasional wave from those close to him, or even complete strangers. But our research concluded that he finds all waves repugnant, and just wants you to leave him alone.” At press time, researchers were looking into a hypothesis speculating that Oliver also hates the ironic onesies people keep buying for him.

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