Marine biologists reported that this barracuda they saw would be much sexier if it had a long pair of human legs, and also possibly boobs.

“One cannot overstate the heightened attractiveness of a fish that comes with a sleek, sophisticated set of human legs. Also perhaps some marvelous boobs could help,” said marine biologist Horace Muffler, really burying the lede on that one. “Those of us in the academic community are pretty unified on this matter.”

“People always say that mermaids are beautiful with their human body and fishy tail. So maybe a fish with human legs has a similar kind of beauty, especially if it maybe—I don’t know—has some exquisite boobs,” Muffler added, shrugging nonchalantly and shyly kicking around a small rock while he said that last part. “I’m just throwing out ideas here.”

“If anything, it’s biologically advantageous,” Muffler continued, desperately clutching at straws. “Because those long legs could be used to kick things! And those wondrous boobs could be used for, um, you know, like, maybe… well, they’d probably be good to have.”

At press time, zoologists reported that armadillos would be way hotter if they had luscious human hair, and also a fat ass.

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