Partly Cloudy, 64°
A chilling report from my diary explains that the pap smear I just had at Brown University Health Services is making me feel a little crazy.
“My day started out very ordinary. I woke up, made myself some breakfast, and then headed to my 10am appointment at Wellness,” I wrote down in my diary post-pap smear before climbing up the walls and defying all laws of gravity as I clung onto the ceiling. “They told me to get there 15 minutes early, and so I did. Once I put my information in their little computers, my name was called almost instantly. I was so excited for my pap smear! I followed the nurse to the room. I laid down and waited for the doctor.”
“Once the speculum was inserted, that’s when I started to hear the voices,” I continued in my entry as I twitched my head and recited a Satanic prayer worshipping Astaroth, Phoenician goddess of lasciviousness. “As the swab brushed up against my insides, I began to have really dark thoughts. I imagined burning down a family home while everyone was sleeping. I felt the need to get into a physical fight with a cat. I was in a very scary place, or rather, I am in a terrifying state of mind. Please, help me escape these voices. I know there is some purity inside of me still. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to battle these demons.”
At press time, my Health Services prostate check actually made me feel really inspired.
