Partly Cloudy, 64°
Latest studies indicate that you guys never ever read these articles, and by the way, I know you are only reading this one right now to try to prove me wrong.
“Do not worry about it, I am not here to shame you, I totally get why people don’t read the articles. The headlines are the funniest part of the paper, and the articles are the same joke just stretched out in like three paragraphs when it was able to be told in a sentence at the beginning,” stated the writer, who has spent a fair amount of time and effort writing and editing these articles knowing that not even their parents read the whole thing when sent to them. ”People do put time and effort into writing and are often funny in their own right. They get edited, and we have meetings to sometimes have discussions on single words to make these articles funnier with the full understanding that no one in the entire universe will ever read them.”
“Also, beyond the articles, I know that most of you who got a copy of this paper are not going to read it,” continued the writer, who has routinely camped outside the Ratty during lunchtime, shoving their paper in the faces of acquaintances and socially anxious students who were all just trying to make it peacefully throughout their day and then felt obligated to take a copy. “Maybe you look at a few headlines, but the references are way too niche and kind of sound more like an in-joke for the publication than anything you’ll find to be funny. Or, you never open this thing, but the result is the same, you become stuck carrying it around, never reading it, until you can finally throw it away or just leave it behind on a table somewhere.”
At press time, I know you guys probably don’t even read all the headlines once you realize it is kind of annoying to hold up a newspaper and give up.
