A recent report urged the nation to lather up. “After collecting and examining an extensive variety of data, we’ve confirmed that it’s time to get your filthy paws on a bottle of shampoo, soap, or ointment, squeeze it onto your body, and lather up!” said researcher Jolene Mills. “We’ve determined, after much discussion and debate, that there’s an urgent need for your body to be covered with copious amounts of suds, bubbles, and froth. One particular data sample found that you have to really scrub when you lather, and you can’t be stingy with it.” At press time, new findings surfaced that proved you’ve really gotta get in there.

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