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The Brown Noser

Report: Multiple Puppets Have Star On Hollywood Walk Of Fame And You Do Not

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

According to a press release from The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, multiple puppets have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while you, a human, do not.

“It’s pretty insane when you think about it,” the release said, highlighting the fact that your achievements are apparently not as impressive as those of multiple puppets. “You’ve spent years trying to be successful. Big Bird is honored forever with a star on the Walk of Fame, and he doesn’t even know it, because he’s a 16-pound body puppet made of feathers and high-quality felt.”

“You pour so much time, effort, and money into achieving your dreams,” the statement continued, relentlessly hammering in the fact that Kermit the Frog received a ceremony marking his induction into the Walk of Fame that was televised and attended by actor David Arquette, while you are toiling away at career goals that will never come to fruition. “Kermit is a fictional personality assigned to a puppet, and Hollywood will honor him forever. How does it feel?”

“If none of this made you feel like a failure, remember that all of The Muppets were presented with a star back in 2010, implying that the achievements of literally hundreds of whimsical puppets outshine everything you have ever worked for in your life.”

At press time, multiple cartoon mice were honored with Hollywood stars, while you — a human — can’t even get a job interview.

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