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The Brown Noser

Report: Nation Got Sooooo Drunk Last Night Haha

Published Friday, April 21st, 2017

According to a report published yesterday by sources all over the nation, America got sooooo drunk last night haha.

The nation began the report by saying they knew it was a Thursday night but like the nation just needed to let loose bc this week has been complete hell. Americans had that midterm on Tuesday that was like fifteen essay questions and then had to pick up a double shift at work Tuesday and Wednesday bc #brokeaf.

$$$ :P, the nation reports.

Among other key findings in the report, the nation asserts that they didn’t even plan on drinking so much but Eleanor made Jell-0 shots and they didn’t even taste like anything yknow? Sources throughout the country state that they guess they pregamed a little too hard but still only had like two beers or maybe three before heading to Eleanor’s after Mark texted them and told them it was lit and they should come thruuuu.

When pressed on what happened next, :0 the nation like doesn’t even remember! Not that the nation blacked out, the nation remembers snippets and stuff but the nation thinks they pretty much just hung out and drank and then maybe there was like a roof involved? Ahhh holy shit, Americans went out on Eleanor’s roof they remember now! Jesus Christ hahaha.

You’re fuckin nuts ;), this reporter then told the American populace because this reporter was harboring some latent feelings for the nation despite the fact they had been friends since freshman year but, well, senior year is winding down and scrambling wouldn’t NOT be something this reporter would be interested in but he’d have to be super casual about it because being chill and laid-back and non-committal is something that is valued very highly by the current social climate.

The report concluded that 319 million Americans currently feel like absolute shit but have a meeting later ughhhh and that if this reporter were to bring them all like a bacon egg and cheese rn they’d love him foreverrrr <3.

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