In a testament to the effects of COVID-19, a new report shows that Brown Noser readership is down 70 percent since we are no longer allowed to forcibly hand them to you as you walk around campus. “Foot traffic of our target demographics — ignorant passersby, bored Ratty patrons, curious freshmen — has decreased by over 80 percent since last March,” the report finds. “Coronavirus makes forcibly shoving a ream of papers into someone’s hands socially unacceptable. Now they’ll slowly rot in the Barus and Holley lobby instead of immediately being recycled outside the V-Dub.” At press time, the Blognonian was still only read by the writers’ mothers.

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