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The Brown Noser

Report: Nothing As Exhilarating As A Footrace

Published Friday, May 3rd, 2024

A recent report by Sports Illustrated found that nothing is as exhilarating as a footrace.

“That’s right, folks, there’s nothing so thrilling as a running race from one end of a paved surface to another,” the report began. “Several people, usually children, trying to determine who is faster is the most elating, adrenaline-spiking activity in the world.”

“God, I love a footrace,” the study continued. “Nothing gets me as excited as the pounding of rubber soles against an asphalt surface in a small-scale competition to see who’s the faster runner.”

“These findings are significant because they prove our longtime hypothesis that a recreational footrace can get one’s blood pumping like nothing else,” the report states. “I dare you to either watch or partake in a footrace and not feel yourself wanting to leap into the air with sheer excitement. It’s just not possible.”

At press time, the study found that the only way to ruin a footrace is to lose.

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