The latest reports indicate that the spider on your shower wall will not move as long as you don’t smoosh it.

“You just keep showering right there, pal, and I won’t move a single leg,” said the spider perched directly across from your head. “But, if you try to pull anything slick with that shampoo bottle, I’ll be on you in no time flat, and I’ll have my friends show up in your bed too. We’re venomous as fuck.”

At press time, a new report found that the skunk over there promises not to spray you as long as you stay on the other side of the street.

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