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The Brown Noser

Report: Tables At Home Just Aren’t The Same As V-Dub’s Sweet, Sticky Countertops

Published Friday, April 24th, 2020

Students across the world report that the tables at home just aren’t the same as V-Dub’s gummy, gluey countertops.

“Sure, I might spill a soda on my kitchen table,” said Mike Woods ’22, glaring at his table. “But once I wipe it up there’s no more stickiness! How am I supposed to live like this for six months?”

“I’d forgotten that most tables provide none of that sweet, sweet elbow traction,” explained Violet Zhang ’21 as she ran a longing finger across her barren kitchen counter. “I was able to just get up and leave. My phone didn’t stick to the countertop or anything. I can’t take this sterile hell!”

Students have also reported that their home toasters don’t even offer the adrenaline rush of almost starting a house fire.

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