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The Brown Noser

ResLife Just One Staffer Who Only Speaks Lies And One Who Always Tells The Truth

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020

Following multiple delays in housing assignments and reports of weeks-long email response times, a critically understaffed Office of Residential Life has been confirmed to have only two employees: one who only speaks lies and one who always tells the truth.

“It’s frustrating to have something as vital as housing remain so vague,” said Brian Boholst ’22, a junior struggling to get off campus permission. “Especially when ResLife isn’t telling me which of their staffers is the one who lies and which is the one who tells the truth. Instead, I only get to ask a single question to one of the staffers. What should I ask?”

Trust in ResLife has gone down among students across class levels at the University, both because of a fluctuating reopening plan, and a 50% chance that an email from ResLife is an outright lie. ResLife claims, however, that one need only ask one question to determine which staffer is truthful and which speaks lies. What question do you ask?

“Okay, so if I ask the lying ResLife staffer what the other staffer would tell me about my SEAS certification, he would tell me that the truthful ResLife staff would say that SEAS doesn’t apply to Brown-owned off-campus properties” continued Boholst. “But if I asked the truthful staffer — hold on, I’m going to need a pen and paper to work this one out.”

At press time, a doctor at health services was refusing to see a student, saying “I can’t operate on him, he is my son.” How can this be?

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