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The Brown Noser

Reslife Replaces Housing Lottery With Direct Appeal To God

Published Monday, October 31st, 2022

In an attempt to streamline a process criticized by students as complex and inefficient, ResLife has announced that they have replaced the housing lottery with a direct appeal to God.
“In order to secure housing for the 2023-2024 academic year, all you have to do is pray that it’ll work out,” wrote ResLife president Julie Bloomberg in an email to students. “Everyone will get housing somehow, but it’s no longer up to us where you end up. That’s something only the Lord can know.”
According to ResLife, in order to have a better chance of living with a preferred housing group, students should keep each other’s names in their prayers. For students who require special accommodation due to physical needs, mental health concerns, or religious demands, ResLife has recommended “praying harder.”
“To reiterate, these are but recommendations. God works in mysterious ways, and He has His reasons for assigning you the housing He chooses.”
“Like you, we are but human and cannot know the mind of God, so please do not ask us for information,” continued the email. “God has a plan for all of us, whether that be forced triple, Grad Center single, or a kick-ass suite in Barbour. You’ll be placed there for a reason you may not understand now but will later in life.”
“If you have an issue with where you’ve ended up, please do not hesitate to reach out to your personal religious leader who may help you find a path towards acceptance.”
At press time, students with relatives
on the board still somehow managed to already secure the best housing.

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