Tuesday, October 19, 2021
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The Brown Noser

"Rhode Island Beaches Are Rocky And Coffee Milk Sucks!" Shouts Former Governor Raimondo From Safety Of New DC Office

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Releasing years of frustration from her time as Governor of Rhode Island, incoming Commerce Secretary Gina Raimondo has been reportedly shouting complaints about her home state at the top of her lungs from the safety of her new D.C. office.

“Coffee milk is terrible and all the beaches are too rocky!” Raimondo yelled to no one in particular, feeling an excited chill from the sound of her own voice echoing off the empty walls of her secluded Department of Commerce office suite. “Yeah, and calamari isn’t even good either! What kind of dumb state builds its entire identity around goddamn fried squid? Fools, all of you! Seriously?!”

Sources close to Raimondo reported that the former Governor continued freely screaming her grievances against Rhode Island into the Washington air for hours on end, seemingly delighting in the fact that no one from Rhode Island could hear her.

“Slater Mill is your big historical claim to fame? Slater fucking Mill? Are you fucking kidding me?” Raimondo bellowed as loud as she could, clearly basking in her newfound freedom to ruthlessly tear into things considered sacred back home. “And shut up about Buddy Cianci! SHUT UP about Buddy Cianci! God, just shut up! We know!”

“And you know what? Half an hour is NOT a long drive, you spoiled, ignorant brats! You just live on a miniscule fleck of land that’s a sorry excuse for a state! You idiots! You stupid, stupid suckers! Leave the state and go somewhere else for ONCE in your miserable little lives!”

At press time, Raimondo reportedly launched into an hour-long tirade about how Rhode Island isn’t even a fucking island.

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