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Sources at Kidz Zone, an indoor amusement complex, report that rowdy kids are ruining the laser tag arena for the weird adults who are really into war.
“I hate coming here on the weekends because all these stupid kids don’t have school and ruin the area for everyone,” said Brandon Marshall, a strange 35-year-old man in long cargo shorts who loves all things war. “Today in the arena, it was just me and like 15 kids there for a birthday party. They had no discipline. It was a zoo in there. I was trying to lead the Red Team to victory but none of my teammates even cared about strategy. It’s like, why even come?”
Marshall is one of a group of bizarre adult men who frequent the laser tag arena at Kidz Zone and pretend like they’re in some life-or-death battle situation. Employees at the amusement center say they dread when they come in together in their matching camo t-shirts, often drawing nervous looks from parents.
“This one kid kept shooting me when I was trying to recharge which is totally against the spirit of the game,” continued Marshall, checking the time on his military-grade sports watch located next to a paper Kidz Zone wristband. “Laser tag is a serious opportunity to experience the highs and lows of war: the strategy, the heroism, the brotherhood. If these kids can’t understand that, they should just go out to the arcade and leave laser tag to the men.”
At press time, the arcade has been overrun by sad adults who love to gamble.
