Crowing at the absence of his longtime rival, Provost Richard Locke, Executive Vice President Russell Carey is overjoyed at his new monopoly over the sending of campus Covid updates.
“It’s finally mine! All mine!” Carey exulted, frantically drafting an email featuring bolded sections and multiple links to healthy.brown.edu. “When we require students to get the new booster, or remind them to isolate if sick, or just want to freak them out on a Tuesday afternoon, I get to be the one who drafts ‘[ACTION NEEDED] IMPORTANT: COVID-19 Update. PLEASE READ ASAP.’”
“Sure, now he’s making way more money. But does he get to announce that students should be mindful of CDC guidelines when traveling? NO!” Carey exclaimed, cutting out Locke’s face from all of their shared photos. “Carey is back on top, baby!”
At press time, Carey was hoping for a new variant so he could show off his newfound powers.