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The Brown Noser

Scientists Conclude That Men, Women Who Sleep With Scientists Live 200% Longer

Published Friday, September 16th, 2016

In a groundbreaking new study published this week, scientists at Cornell University concluded that men and women who sleep with scientists can expect their lifespans to increase by upwards of 200 percent.

“We’ve discovered that people who have sex with scientists can live to around 270 years of age,” explains Edgar Kline, head of the Cornell research team, adding that his studies indicated that that number may rise even higher for hot people.

“This new evidence is extremely compelling, and hopefully it will inspire people across the world to go out and sleep with a scientist as quickly as possible,” said Kline, smoothing out his t-shirt with the word “SCIENTIST” printed on it.

Prior to the efforts of Kline’s team, it was assumed that having sex with a scientist had no effect on an average human lifespan. “It’s not surprising that people didn’t realize this,” Kline states, “This is why I became a scientist in the first place. I wanted to be able to discover things that no one knew before, and that the average person would not be able to fact check since they’re not a scientist like me.”

Researchers across the country have been quick to peer review and publish the work of Kline and his team. “I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that this is the most important and profound scientific discovery of our generation,” said Colby Green, a professor emeritus of biology at Harvard. “I have never seen a team use the scientific method so effectively, or come to more a more watertight and irrefutable conclusion.”

“It is upsetting that the ratio of scientists to the rest of the population is so small,” laments Kline. “It appears that some scientists may have to have sex with multiple people in order for everyone to have the opportunity to increase their life spans. That’s unfortunate, but we understand that it is our duty to science to make it happen. If I have to get it on with a whole bunch of people in the name of science, I will bear that burden.”

So far, there have been no reports of people who have slept with scientists living to be upwards of 270 years of age, but Kline insists that people need to give it more time, and suggests having sex with the same scientist over and over again, maybe even twice in the same night, to ensure results.

At press time, Kline was seen standing outside of a zumba studio handing out copies of his research to beautiful women as they exited.

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