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The Brown Noser

Scientists Report Horse Would Be Much Faster with Wheels

Published Friday, March 8th, 2019

In a press conference held by the International Consortium of Zoologists on Tuesday, scientists reported that horses would be much faster if they had wheels.

“A horse can gallop at 25 or 30 miles per hour,” said Greg Beckham, the head scientist on the project. “But as soon as you replace those legs with wheels, you start to see the horse hit speeds of 70 or even 80 miles per hour. It’s really incredible.”

“We tried to improve the speed of the horses by adding motors, sneakers, and even extra legs,” Beckham continued, presenting the results of failed experiments. “In the end, nothing made the horses speedier than a good old-fashioned set of wheels.”

“In the 21st century, horses are normally perceived as a slow and outdated mode of transportation,” added Beckham, showing reporters video footage of scientists riding their horses on the highway. “But with wheels, the horse becomes a quick and convenient mode of transportation for errands, long trips, or even street racing.”

Later in the press conference, Beckham mentioned research which found bees would be faster with jet engines.

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