Upon learning that his relation to his second cousin was once removed, area man Jake Bennett pleaded not to be removed again. “What do you mean ‘once removed’? This is outrageous! My devotion to the Bennett family has been unwavering. Who the hell’s in charge of these removals anyway? Is it Aunt Claire? I bet it’s Aunt Claire,” said Bennett as he wiped tears off his phone. “Please, I’ll do anything, Aunt Claire. You know I love you. Just don’t remove me again. I don’t even know what it means. Would being removed again mean I’d have to die? Am I already dead? Please, the Bennet family is all I got.” At press time, Bennett found out that his great-grandfather was actually a terrible person.

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