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Sources report that this shitty hamster doesn’t even explode.
“What the heck! I left all these dangerous chemicals around him. When I got back from school, I expected to find, like, blood and guts all over the walls of his little cage,” said Cassidy Greenbaum, a local middle schooler. “But instead he’s totally fine. This sucks!”
“I feel misled,” said Cassidy’s mother. “I thought all hamsters were supposed to die in some horrible and grotesque way. But after a lengthy microwaving, Mr. Fluffy has the gall to sit there on his little wheel, totally intact, seemingly with no plans to combust any time soon. I’d like a refund.”
“What does he even do, then?” said Cassidy’s father, who made it clear that he was responsible for purchasing Mr. Fluffy’s food. “Seems pretty useless if the tiny, adorable creature we bought for my daughter doesn’t explode in some way.
At press time, the Greenbaums had adopted a shitty chimpanzee that didn’t even rip their faces off.
