According to sources from the magical land of Narnwartz, shitty mentor Aslan Candlewix taught his students everything he knew without even dying to launch their growth.

“Did he teach us the divine secrets of magic that will allow us to overcome any obstacle with the power of friendship? I guess. But I just don’t feel like I’ve developed as, like, a person? And I think him dying in tragic fashion would’ve really helped with that,” said student Elys Pontera, who now possesses no reason to go on sweet adventures in a magical world. “It’s like he cares more about his own life than the Hero’s Journey.”

“Like, what good are these magical powers if I can’t even use them to avenge my fallen friends?” added Pontera, whose mysterious backstory was quickly resolved thanks to the insights of the frustratingly alive Candlewix. “Magic is so boring with him around.”

At press time, Candlewix had the audacity to stop the evil villain’s nefarious plot without even sacrificing himself for the greater good.

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