Brown’s latest donor, Thomas Frank, reportedly doesn’t even own thousands of dollars’ worth of stolen artifacts. “I mean, what the actual hell,” said university president Christina Paxson, shaking her head at Frank’s lack of art pieces ripped from colonized communities. “This guy thinks he can get his name on a building without holding massive amounts of culturally important relics hostage? Not on my watch. Like, he’s just a normal ultra-rich guy, not an ultra-rich guy who made his money in ungodly ways. He hasn’t even bought a single stolen artifact from a far-away continent! I mean, who does he even think he is?” At press time, Frank had never even killed someone in cold blood.

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