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Close to 1,500 freshmen were none the wiser on Wednesday when an unprepared President Ruth Simmons delivered a monumental convocation address entirely off the top of her head. Experts maintain that Simmons was able to do so by beginning her diatribe with an "Et hem" that lasted approximately twelve minutes, during which time Simmons loudly refused numerous offers of water and cough drops.
"Simmons has a black belt in bullshitting," said colleague and admirer Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron. "She usually flips on the autopilot while using verbose but generally meaningless phrases like 'It is impossible to pick a single anecdote that would sum up an entire class of 1,500 very distinct individuals,' or 'Since the dawn of man a thirst for knowledge has always been a motivator for great innovation,' or even 'But the biggest obstacle in his quest to success was himself,' which generally gives her enough time to look three to four sentences ahead."" Bergeron paused to sentimentally rub the face of a framed photograph of Simmons. "A throat-clear, though. Damn. That's one I've never seen before."
In addition to throat-clearing, Simmons has various other time-saving strategies that allow her to generate touching and inspirational anecdotes on the fly which she divulged in a tell-all interview with the Brown Noser.
"Often times I have found. Is that seat comfortable enough?" began Simmons, generously offering to move the interview to a nearby couch. After a polite and slightly awkward relocation, Simmons requested a brief bathroom break before continuing: "Now, where was I? Oh yes, the interview. Oh, my, is it 4:30 already?" Sadly, it was indeed already 4:30, which meant it was time for Simmons' daily dental appointment, but the president graciously promised a second interview later in the week.
In the meantime, however, the seeds of criticism have begun to germinate into full-blown leafy green plants of criticism. Professor of Africana Studies and Political Science Anthony Bogues, for example, who gave the opening convocation address, is uneasy about Simmons' extraordinary impromptu script-spewing impulses.
"I called up Ruth last night and asked if she wanted to go to dinner," said Bogues. "I was sort of asking as a joke, because everyone knows Ruth likes to write her speeches the night before, but she said yes. I asked if she had written her speech yet and she said 'It's all written up here.' I can only assume that she meant in her head, and not on the ceiling or something - it's hard to tell when you're on the phone sometimes. Hand gestures would have helped."
Bogues, who writes his speeches in advance, was concerned that Simmons would not be able to draft such an uplifting speech on such short notice. "I called her up later to ask if she had written that speech, and she told me she would write it as soon as she found a YouTube video that could actually make her laugh aloud. Then I heard her giggling. Then she said that Vimeo doesn't count as YouTube. Then she hung up. I don't even think she had come up with a title yet."
Although the title of Simmons' speech was unbilled in the convocation program, a hastily typed insert revealed that her address was in fact fittingly named: "Who Am I? A Dissertation on Achievement, Hardship and Ideas."
Simmons' speech has earned great praise from the oblivious student body, despite its spontaneous construction.
"Her words about the ever-changing human dynamic both home and abroad were inspiring," said Kyle Cornwall '14. "And her story about the underprivileged child's struggle to accomplish his goals was simply moving. The biggest obstacle in that boy's quest to success. was himself. Unforgettable."
