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Following inquiries into to the cause of her resignation, President Simmons announced, between toots on an old wooden air-whistle, that she is stepping down to pursue her lifelong aspiration of operating her “very own passenger, freight or choo-choo train.”
Simmons says that she has always wanted to become a train conductor, only taking higher education jobs to “pay the bills.”
“Assuming the duties of University President has been a great honor for me and my family,” said Simmons. “But my greatest passion has been, and always will be, to own and operate the Ruthy Roo Express.“
Simmons pulled out a crayon drawing of herself leaning out the window of a train labeled “The Ruthy Roo Express by Ruth Simmons, age 5 and a half.”
Simmons revealed in an email that “despite her great respect for the University and its mission,” she ultimately felt dissatisfied by jobs, such as the presidency of Brown University, that steered her from her ultimate aspiration of becoming a train conductor.
“The present time is ideal for me and the University to begin transitioning to a new leadership,” said Simmons, “one that will finally allow me to rest easy at night, not staring up at the train pictures above my bed, obsessing over what could have been.”
Deans report that Simmons often begs them to come downstairs in the morning to show them her most recent night’s work on her hand-painted model train city that sprawls throughout eight rooms of mountain tunnels and automated model passenger loads in the basement of University Hall.
“My pursuit will consume me, rendering me unfit for the duties of president,” continued Simmons, donning a blue and white striped train conductor hat. “I shall spend my days driving and my nights resting in the caboose.”
“All aboard the Ruth-Train!” said Simmons trying to button up the back of her train-logo pajamas, “is one of the branding strategies I am considering in my pursuit of ascending to assistant conductor and eventually to conductor of the MBTA or LIRR.”
“Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, Ruth Ruth!” she added, “is another slogan I am considering.”
When informed that trains are no longer operated by human conductors but by automated computers, Simmons asked if it were still too late to retract her resignation.
