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The Brown Noser

Skilled Politician Can Shake Hundreds Of Hands A Minute

Published Friday, December 4th, 2015

Sources report that local city councilman Seth Yurdin can shake hundreds of hands per minute, a feat that has helped him become one of the most popularly elected officials in Providence history. Although Yurdin has failed to distinguish himself on any particular policy issues, his capacity to enthrall crowds with his incredibly efficient handshaking is unmatched.

Yurdin can be seen electrifying the masses wherever he goes. In a matter of minutes, he is known to work huge throngs of people that would take a few hours, at the very least for less impressive politicians. Yurdin has also distinguished himself by never missing anyone and by sometimes shaking both hands of rally attendees at once.

Despite his incredible ability, Yurdin is described as extremely humble by supporters. “I just care about the people,” Yurdin said. “Also their hands. I really care about their hands because I like shaking them. If I didn’t like shaking hands, I wouldn’t have gotten into politics.”

It is not exactly known how Yurdin manages to shake so many hands so quickly, but those who have witnessed him have described his technique as being similar to the motion of a hummingbird.

“I was not a fan of this guy, but then I shook his hand,” said local voter David Murphy. “What was so amazing was that he moved on to the next person in line instantaneously, but I didn’t feel like he shortchanged our interaction. Truly amazing.”

“I guess that’s what they call charisma,” Murphy added.

As of press time, Yurdin was taking a bit of a breather. Just because he’s good at shaking hands doesn’t mean it’s easy.

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