In recent news, a local slinky was showing off all of its curves like it has no idea what it’s doing to onlookers.

“Zamn, shawty!” exclaimed area man Link Wilder, eyeing the slinky’s alluring, concentric metal spirals while it feigned disinterest. “Baby, you don’t even know what you’re doing to me right now. Hoooooly fuck. Someone needs to call the police because girl, those curves are criminal."

“Oh my God,” said Wilder, knees buckling as the slinky backflipped sexily down a flight of stairs, seductively exposing its shiny coils on every sensual bend. “Let’s get married. No, I—I’m sorry. I was too forward. You’re a slinky, it could never work between us. We’re too different. Unless… you’d be willing to try?”

At press time, Wilder had been banned from the toy store and was holding a boombox over his head at the doors, tears streaming down his face.

Article tools

• Print
• Email
• Tweet