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Following tech investor David Strohm’s recent success in the stock market, Strohm’s son Michael made the difficult decision this Wednesday to move his 40-year-old father into an early retirement home.
According to Michael, it just became too difficult to care for his extremely wealthy and relatively young father at home. “We’d leave him on his own for a second, and when we’d come back he’d be covered in expensive furs he’d purchased on a whim with his newfound riches,” Strohm’s son reported. “It became very clear that he was in need of professional care.”
At first Michael was worried about even suggesting the prospect of an early retirement home to his father, but after doing some research, he managed to find a facility he was confident would be a good fit for the middle-aged billionaire.
“Collinwood Manor is a huge estate in upstate New York,” said Michael. “Just a beautiful early retirement home with a library, an indoor pool, a bowling alley, horse stables, a small amusement park, a golf course, several cocktail lounges, an exotic jellyfish aquarium and 15 bedrooms. You know, stuff to keep him active and engaged in life.”
“We’ll also be disassembling his Los Angeles mansion piece by piece, transporting it to the estate via private jet, and rebuilding it in his room," he added. "Just so he feels a little more at home.”
The early retirement center is known for providing expert care to middle-aged rich people who no longer have to work. “It’s fully staffed with skilled caretakers who cater to the needs of their residents,” said Michael. “Which is good because my father is getting to that age when he needs help feeding his illegally obtained brood of Komodo dragons. Zephon and Radnar are getting really big.”
When he was choosing a home for his father, one of the most important considerations for Michael was social life. “Even at his age and tax bracket, the thing that my dad loves most in life is socializing with people,” said Michael. “That is, extremely rich people. Which is exactly what Collinwood offers. The other residents in the neighboring estates are also extremely rich early-retirees such as himself, and they schedule a bunch of activities for them so they have stuff to do other than sitting around contemplating death that won’t come for a long time because they are so rich they can afford the best medical care in the world.”
“Monday is movie night, Tuesday is book group, and Wednesday is money-counting club,” continued Michael. “I think it’s good that they keep them busy and excited about life.”
Michael plans to visit his father regularly in order to make the transition to assisted living easier. “I’ll come up on weekends and holidays,” said Michael. “It’s important to remain present in this new phase of his life. Even if that just means keeping him company on a Sunday afternoon or playing video games in his private IMAX Theater while nude women serve us shrimp sautéed in gold-infused cocktail sauce.”
He added, “I think this will be a good place for my dad to live out his final 50 or so years.”
